I Am The Voice of Stonybloke

11:58am: Liberated!
Stonybloke must have sent for me, because I got to leave Oxford, and was shipped home to him via slow boat. You'd think he didn't want me back or something.

All's well, though, and I am currently beating his arse at Wii games. He thinks he's so great, but no one does the limbo like me. Short and bendy has its advantages...

I think Mrs. Stony is taking a liking to me, though. She's going to buy ME some things too. And I like the way she sands my bits, ifyeknowwhatImean...

5:53pm: Anyone remember me?
So, like, Stonybloke hasn't needed my services lately and that's all okay, it's been nice resting here comfortably in my little case.

But the other week he took me along to a place called 'Oxford'. He didn't mean to take me, he meant to take his regular briefcase. When he realized it was me, he set me down in a dimly lit room with soft music. It was kind of nice, though it smelled a little funny.

I woke up hours later, and he was gone. There was a strange man who was... he was... he... :::sob::: I can't even say it! He was doing things to himself. And he did things into a little plastic cup!

Please... I'm begging you... will someone please bring me outside and let the little birdies peck out my eyes?

Because ever since I woke up it's been man after man after man, all doing things into plastic cups, leaving through magazines and books and oh my oh my I just crouch in my little case, trying not to be noticed by anyone.

There was a terrifying moment when one of them took me out of my case, lifted my shirt, and had a look at my backside. But he put me down, luckily.

Still... help... HELP! Send Stony! Send someone!

10:06pm: Anyone still here?

For those of you who wondered... stonybloke is safely in... wherever he was going (he never tells me anything, or if he does, it's through my closed dummycase), and he says, Weather is fine, and low 70s. Accomodation good, apart from tiny ants
parading and showing off.

I'll bet anything he brings the ants back and sticks them in my case.

:::Sigh::: He was s'posed to take me with him, but Mrs. Stony wasn't having any of it.

I miss Stony. I have no voice without him. No, wait, he has no voice without me.

Anyway, we're linked, is what I'm saying. It's quiet and echoey around here without that rotter.

3:02pm: So, temporarily back into the dummycase with me, as stonybloke is taking a bit of an LJ break. We all know he's probably just gone to wank over photos of Drew (Drool) Barrymore and eat lots of prawns, but I'll miss the bloke while he's gone. Not only because he gives my existence purpose, you know... But because I kind of had a soft spot for the guy.

I'll provide updates as I get 'em, as I said in his LJ just now. But in the meantime... :::waving a colorful hankie::: Happy Trails, Stonybloke... wave to us in comments now and again, yeah?

Clinging to his kneecaps as hard as my ickle arms and legs will let me...

Damn. He shook free. I tried, my lovelies, I tried!

:::settling into the dummycase for a nap, content that stonybloke knows what he's doing...:::

6:41am: :::whistles:::
:::swings ickle legs:::
:::looks around:::

Stony? Stony??

.
.
.
.
.

.

Oh. It's the weekend.

:::climbs into case:::

:::naps:::

8:50pm: Drinkies wheeee drunkies
I wud lik to thnk Sssthtonylboek for not abnaadnding me now thaht he cn remoeto post. Ive ben worried so muh taht i hit the grain alchoohol a litl to hard nad now im a lidle bit drunkded but maybbe he wil promis not to drop me entireley becaus if he did ithink iwouldd hit teh bottom fo teh barel ohmygodiamsodrunked icant tyep anym

:::thunkk

8:04pm: Weekend Willy-Nilly Silly
While stonybloke has his own LJ access at the weekends, I like to have a little bit of dummy fun, you know, hanging out with my dummy friends, playing jokes on each other. The classic hotfoot is always a big hit, of course, and then there's the sandpaper-your-best-friend's-nose-and-ears-off-while-he's-sleeping gag (and I expect that one will be showing up on YouTube any day now!), not to mention the superglue-your-mates'-mouths-shut prank. Nothing but laughs here with the dummies, we're a fun bunch. Even though our most favorite prank ever, collectively, is shouting rude things to giant scary lads who've had too much to drink, then blaming it on whoever's lap we're sitting on at the time, but, well, we need our handlers for that joke.

This weekend, though, we've just been having our own fun, monkeying around, being silly. I have yet to be pranked at all, because I'm not gullible like my mates are. I think they're all done with the jokes, though, and we're about to get into a few nice frothy pints together. Why here comes my best pal now, with a pint of fine looking ale just for me! Thanks, mate!

:::sips:::

:::eyes go wide:::

:::tries to pry mouth open:::

Mmmf mvmvvv mm mlpmch! MMmmmmmmlmlmlllmmmmm!

12:17am: A warm welcome to girlgenius007!
And it's not just warm because I set me little wooden bum a'fire, either!


Welcome! I don't post much, with stonybloke keeping me busy and all, but it's nice to have a new visitor!

3:18am: Snappy Earth Day! Uh... Sappy Mirth Day! No... Um... Scrappy Flirts Day!
From the bottom of my little wooden heart, I wish my best mate, my great pal, my master and the reason I exist, stonybloke, a right splendid birthday.

Even if he makes smallist jokes and pokes fun at me, hell, I can take a joke and a poke as well as the next dummy.

'specially the pokes. Stony's good at the pokes. I mean that in the best blokey way possible of course.

But that's getting off topic, innit?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my very own Stonybloke! Now come here and crouch down so I can give you all those spanks.

8:34pm: stonybloke is doing his own thing this weekend, it seems. I have been greatly under-utilised of late.

I wonder if anyone else needs a mouthpiece? I could take over some more journals, it would be no trouble. All I need is the right password, an email with a "hey Proxy, post this for me would you?" and off I go, cheerily diving into your journal to post while you are unavailable.

I could hire myself out to people going on holiday! Or people like Stonybloke who have horrible bosses who take away their internet! I could open up my very own business!

Except, how would I get paid? Hmm. It's easy with stonybloke. There are the sexual favors, the camraderie, the fact that he brings me back shite sticks of rock when he comes home from his holidays.

Sticks of rock. I still don't know what in effing 'ell that's supposed to be. Sticks of bloody rock.

But I digress.

I wonder if anyone else out there needs an adorable puppet like me, to keep their LJs going while they cannot.



Oh, who am I kidding. I am a one-Stony Proxy.

But he should know that I *could* just start my own business if I wanted to. And I might, too, if he doesn't stop making short-jokes.

5:35pm: Well, holiday's over, stonybloke is back.

:::stretching:::

Back to work wi' me! This morning's post was a nice ease-back-in to the routine. On to the rest of the week!

11:29am: stonybloke set me FREE for the day! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

:::running amok:::

What to do first? Pinch sare_barky's bum, or wax my her hot rod? Schmooze up to minihaha, or pinch her bum?

Or maybe I'll pinch STONY'S bum. He'll never expect it! Yes! That is what I will do!

:::Finding stonybloke... :::PINCH:::...:::

Buaaaaaaahaha!

I'm skipping around my open case, singing and hooting, looking for mischief... Oooooh! Stony's iPod!

:::steals:::

:::cackling:::

:::running like mad:::

3:36pm: He's back. And he locked me in my little case. Oh he agreed to let me post a tiny update so his friends would know he is alive and well, but beyond that, darkness and silence.

He goes off on holiday, leaving me to do all the work, and then he comes back and locks me in my case? Harrumph. That's gratitude for you.

He's a big meanie.

5:30am: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!

Oh go on, you were believing the Luxemborgian Clown Story I put in stonybloke's journal, weren't you? Right? With the red nose and the oated knickers and and and and ::::wiping eyes:::: ohhh heeheeheeheehahahaha stop stop I can't stop laughing!!!

::::snufflesnortgiggle::::

Ok so I have not heard from him since his 2 trains 1 bus whatever else was in that post, but I expect he is having a good time.

He really shouldn't have left me in charge, you know. I am filled with sawdust and silliness. I can't help myself.

Personally I thought the bit about Clown Prison was brilliant.

I am going to have to hide, when he gets back, aren't I?

5:09pm: stonybloke is out of the country and I am going to monkey around while he's gone! ::::monkey dance of mischief::::

2:10pm: -s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g- -- -o-u-t-
It got suddenly quiet in here when I realized stonybloke had left me without so much as a goodbye. Me, his trusted companion, the one he only views with a little bit of suspicion! The nerve.

But he did tell me earlier that he would check in if he could, or at least let us all know when he arrived at his destination safely. While he is away, I promised that I would make up all sorts of scandalous shite about him because he can't stop me hahahahahaha faithfully report his whereabouts and activities (if he shares them with me) to his friendslist. Which I will, in his livejournal.

What I might do over here, though, is another matter entirely. I may reveal all his deepest, darkest secrets. Like the fact that he sleeps with a little pink fuzzy bunny, and I do not mean the esteemed and gracious Mrs Stonybloke either. Or how he regularly peed in his plants (that's plants, folks, not pants, though he may have done that as well) when he was on his water drinking kick awhile back. Or how he sings ABBA songs at the top of his lungs when he's working the strimmer in his garden. Or even - gasp! - about how he smears prawn juice all over his body and barks at the half moon. Not the full moon, because he enjoys doing things half-arsed.

But I don't know if I will reveal any of those secrets just yet. I may save them for another time. I will have to think about it.

Thinking is a wee bit difficult for me, seeing as how my head's nearly hollow and all, but I am smart, yes I am. S-M-R-T, smart.

So I will decide about those secrets later, those ones I haven't told you about yet, with the bunny and the peeing and the ABBA and the prawns. Don't even try to get those out of me until I am ready to tell you, because I am sealed up tight, as tight as my little traveling case, the one I just tumbled out of because it's got a wonky clasp...

Oh. Um.

...

Uh... pretend you didn't see any of that stuff up there, ok?

5:45pm: So the monkey business starts again tomorrow. I must admit I felt a tiny bit useless this weekend, but then I had a spot of adventure, avoiding that scary dummy in the previous post. And I'm not just talking about stonybloke, hehehe.

After that I found myself in a large room just filled with unfinished dummies. None had been given any sort of gender identity, which I found quite arousing [insert woody joke here] and, well, I could not help myself.

It was a great big dummy orgy. Limbs and hinged jaws everywhere, a mixture of floppy sawdust-legs and hard little wooden feet and hands, oh my. No one cared who put what where, and I had QUITE a collection of dummy-extremeties up my back opening, I'll tell you what!

We all felt a bit seedy afterwards, but as the rest of 'em din't have eyes yet, they'll never know it was me.

If I can brave the scary dummy again, I may just go back to that room next week.

Right now, though, I had better rest up. stonybloke might need me tomorrow.

11:47am: Welcome to minihaha! The first of Stonybloke's friends to pop on over to this here live journal and make nice with me, and 'tis much appreciated.

I was sitting here this morning staving off the termites, wondering why they were trying to get at me. Then I realized: it is the weekend! stonybloke has the use of his own voice for two whole days.

And here I am, tossed into my little dummy-case, no purpose in life, attracting termites. Woe! Woe! W- - Whoa NELLY they just set down another case next to me, and it's got another dummy in it. The case is opening. (The ventriloquists never seem to realize what a life we dummies lead, once they leave the room.)

I'm not alone! I'm not alone!

I should go make friends with it.

Or at least, send the pesky termites over there.

11:54am: I am born!
So there really IS a Proxybloke!  I won't have much to say, since most of my words come from stonybloke, but he has graciously agreed to letting me have my own LJ.

So HI PEOPLES! Stonybloke also says if I end up with more friends on my f-list than he has, he will be bitter.

So, um, add me, 'k?

---Edited To Add---

Now that I have my own livejournal, I am going to really begin paying soliciting paying stonybloke in massages, sex acts, and p0rn...

Get ready to pay up collect, Stonybloke!